You Don’t Have to Suffer to Be Worthy: Navigating Traumatic Ayahuasca Ceremonies.

Art: The "Bobinsana" card from the HERBAL ASTROLOGY Oracle Deck | Written by Adriana Ayales of Anima Mundi

For a long time, I thought healing had to be hard.I thought if I wasn’t crawling through darkness, purging for hours, or emotionally and spiritually wrecked… it wasn’t “real.”

That belief didn’t come out of nowhere; it was conditioned into me, both subtly and overtly, through societal & familial conditioning and an incredibly manipulative Maestro, supported by his large community of kool-aid drinkers.

Within this Ayahuasca community, there was this unspoken (and sometimes very spoken) belief: that pain was the currency of transformation. That you had to suffer to be worthy.

It became a competition amongst us.

Who could endure the most?

Who could sacrifice the most?

Who could have their spirit broken and still walk out smiling?

At the time, I didn’t question it too much. I was deep in it, and I had already internalized the idea that suffering = strength. But there was one moment that cracked something in me.

I was sitting with my Maestra (indigenous Shaman/Medicine woman)at the time, and two other well-respected female facilitators within the community.

We were talking about a participant from a recent ceremony who had a near-psychotic break, and was left to her own devices that evening; emotionally disturbed and vulnerable-

She came to heal from an an emergency abortion she had a year prior.

Then, our teacher said something that made my blood run cold: “She had to suffer,” she said. “She deserved to be punished for what she did. Only after suffering can she be redeemed.”

The others nodded in agreement. No questions asked.

I froze.

Something deep in my gut said this is not healing.

This is brujería- black magic disguised as medicine.

And I panicked:

For the woman they were talking about,

For myself,

And for the people like you, too.

Because if suffering was the requirement… what did that mean for those of us with a past?

You know that feeling, that ache in your gut when you think back to who you were before you chose healing?

The late nights, the blurred decisions, the hookups, the substances, the stuff you don’t always talk about?

What happens to us in spaces that say redemption has to be earned through pain?

Where our worth is measured by how much we’re willing to suffer?

That’s when I knew something wasn’t right. That what I was witnessing wasn’t medicine.

It was manipulation. Disguised as tradition. Disguised as love.

Did Maestra believe that I deserved to be punished too? (That would certainly explain the years of psychic attack & spiritual warfare I experienced in this community.)

This moment marked the beginning of my deep unlearning.

I started to see how easily our inner conditioning; the parts of us that believe we have to suffer, prove ourselves & earn love can be hijacked by people in power. 

Especially in toxic Ayahuasca communities. Especially under the guise of healing.

It took time to untangle.

To reclaim my relationship with the plants.

To remember that their medicine isn’t cruelty; it’s compassion.

And to finally believe that blessings don’t have to be preceded by pain.

That we don’t have to break to become.

That we’re worthy of goodness, just because.

Because we are.

No one gets to decide that for you.

Not your past.

Not your teacher.

Not your scars.

Not your shame.

The plants don’t ask you to suffer to prove yourself.

Only to meet them with honesty, humility, and an open heart.

Why I’m speaking up now:

This is why I do the work I do. As an integration coach and trauma-informed facilitator, I help people gently untangle what got broken when sacred spaces turned harmful.

I help them rebuild trust- Not just in themselves, but in the plants.

In their guides. In the divine.

Because after a traumatic ceremony, even that can feel lost.

You start to question everything: Was it ever real?

Is the sacred still safe? Am I still good?

And the answer is: Yes.

But it takes time. It takes care. It takes someone who’s been there.

Because I have. I’ve sat in the confusion, the grief,

the psychic attacks, the spiritual abuse.

And I’m not afraid to name what others won’t.

This story is just the beginning.

I have years of these. And I’m just getting started.

🌿

With love and sovereignty,

Jenna

If you felt seen by this, share it. Talk about it. Open the conversation.

🌙 I’d love to hear your story in the comments, or send me an email. I'm here for it.

👉 If you’ve been part of a community or ceremony that left you feeling confused, hurt, or like you had to earn your healing, I offer 1:1 integration sessions to help you unpack and reclaim your power.

🌿 Book an integration call → Here 

You deserve to feel safe, sovereign, and supported on your path. Always.